Death of a Dream

 "A dream is a wish your heart makes." 

-Walt Disney

Enjoying a double rainbow on the fence in Idaho.

Leaving Idaho the first time was so difficult.  That small corner of the world had been the only home Zoey and I have known, and where John and I bought our first home and became a family.  But the second time I left, I felt less the loss of my home as I focused on moving forward.  It feels good that we are a close little family once again and moving forward in our plans for the future.

In front of the house-1 year old-new landscaping.

Despite all the excitement of moving forward, we are sad to leave the place where so many great memories were made.  Our first home renovations and the many challenges they presented helped us grow to learn who we are and what we are capable of.  Our daughter was born in that house, slept her first night in the comfort of our home, said her first words and took her first steps down the hallway.  Our first, and second (stupid killer dogs), flock of hens were raised to laying age and provided us with much childhood education, entertainment, and delicious breakfasts.  

The hardest thing to leave behind is our dreams. Now that we've accepted an offer on our house (if all goes well we close the end of February), we mourn the death of dreams we had for our family-sized home and what it could be. 
 Update: We closed the end of March.

Now the chicken coop is only inhabited by wasps; the trees we planted will now be inherited by another, their fruit eaten by other children, not our own; the garden will lie fallow another season; the deck off the master bedroom will never be; and the beautiful renovations, some realized, will not be enjoyed by us.

Feeding the hens.

C'est la vie, sometimes, some of our images of the future change.  The picture you worked so hard to paint, the details that were so important suddenly don't look right when you see the whole thing come together, so you decide to scrap it and rethink everything.  For us the picture was pretty good and so close to our dream, except, we were so busy working to make ends meet that we were never there to enjoy the home or our little family.....time to rethink, re-plan, and redraw.

Good-bye old friend.

We are daring to act on a dream, which means we must leave the other dream behind. Our old dreams laid to rest, we look forward to a new future, a new home, new plans, new adventures, and new dreams.  Midland, Texas is not our dream, but merely a steppingstone toward the realization of our future yet to come.  As I revealed recently in my blog, our dream is to move somewhere exotic, explore new lifestyles, climates, and cultures.  Untold hours of research has pointed us to Belize, Central America, but we fail to commit to it completely, knowing our future is open, and winds of change may catch our sails and blow us towards other or even many shores.

Everything Changes

"Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one."   -Hans Syle

Catalpa Tree in the Park

I've never been brilliant at dealing with stress, but I'm guessing few people are.  I'm a planner who relies greatly on the strength of my husband and when you change the plans or take my husband out of the equation, I stress.

In the last eight months the road of life has brought me many stressful situations but I've come out on top of them all (some less gracefully than others).   All the while my husband, John, has taken every change, every disappointment, every challenge with determined persistence and grace.  I look to him for support and he is always there in word, deed and example.  But still, sometimes it was not easy for lil ol' me:

Stress #1 : Big Changes

The hint of big changes to come was the moment John received word that he had been accepted for a position in Texas.  We didn't know when he would be leaving so we held our breath as all things were "processing".  One afternoon he was informed he would have to make the 2-3 day drive in less than two weeks.  It was official, our life was changing, and fast!

Ocotillo Cactus at Monahans

Stress #2: My Partner Gone

Those two weeks flew buy faster than I knew possible and I tearfully watched him walk out the door not knowing when we would see each other again.  With the help of my Aunt, I quickly threw a yard sale to take advantage of the waning good weather and continued to work for another four weeks, all the while juggling being a mom.  I concluded that single mothers are super heroes (and I have only one child comparing to some other mothers).

Stress #3: New Experiences and Break Downs

We scheduled for John and I to meet in San Antonio so I could both visit him and Texas for the first time.  I was a bit nervous not having flown alone, but found the whole process quite easy.  Upon arrival in San Antonio, John's truck quit working and we ended up towing it to a garage and taking a rental car.  Our arrival in San Angelo found us canvasing the town for a motel room and paying twice what we should have for a hole in the wall. I wanted to stress, and did a bit, but I endeavored to focus on enjoying my trip despite hick-up we had encountered in our plans, and the trip became enjoyable. Upon leaving John in Sonora, TX, I found a roach motel room waiting for me in San Antonio and after a few minutes of "freaking out", I focused, got my refund and found a better room elsewhere.   In the end it all worked out. (Isn't it funny how it always does?)

A trip to Tucson was a good practice run for the longer drive I would be making when Zoey and I finally moved.  My usual position was passenger, so being the driver was a whole new experience for such a long trip. I found that my little girl was a gem and despite the fact I never payed much attention to the road before, our new GPS on our phones worked wonders showing me the way, including redirecting me when I took the wrong exit in Vegas during rush hour, and the trip couldn't have gone smoother.

Stress #4: The Fork in the Road

After four months away from my husband, tackling house renovations, and numerous other changes in our life along the way, I left for Texas early in January.  Half way through the trip John informed me that I would be meeting him in Midland, Texas instead of Sonora, Texas and we would have little to no income for about a month during the transition. "Okay", I said to myself, "change in plans instead of heading South at the junction I head North." That was it, change my driving route,  these different plans and circumstances were no more than a little bump in the road this time, a little wrinkle to be smoothed out. And it all did smooth out, soon John was back to work, the bills were caught up, and I had settled into this new city.

Conclusion:

Pump near my house, the sky was so yellow.

As I contemplate going back to Idaho, I'm dreading the coming months of sorting through the last of my stuff and preparing my house for the real estate market.  I remember the piles of boxes left behind in my living room and  I can only hope the house repairs will go uneventfully with a bright shiny house as the end product with a line of potential buyers at my door.  Even if it isn't what I want; even if it takes longer than expected, even if there are more repairs than I had imagined, even if the house takes a while to sell, I vow to take this stress as confidently as possible.  Focusing on the end results, I will remember that someday all this will be a distant memory, a bump in the road, and I will enjoy the journey.